When You Can’t Buy Them the Thing They REALLY Want

A friend told me that someone she knew had recently had a miscarriage and she didn’t know how to help them. Unfortunately the only thing they really want- not to be in this situation of losing a pregnancy- isn’t something you can buy or make or bake.

So the next best thing?

  1. Be there. Simple enough. One friend took time off of work (she’d even carpooled that day and at a moment’s notice her coworker drover her to my house) to watch Netflex with me.
  2. Share your Netflix/Amazon Prime/etc password with them if they don’t have an account. Especially if your credit card info is saved on Amazon (KIDDING) (Don’t tell my other friend’s ex-boyfriend’s roommate that we used his password to watch Netflix.)
  3. Do their laundry, their dishes, their errands.
  4. FOOD. I know the experience for everyone is different. For me, the physical pain with a side order of grief made me loose my appetite. Why then would I want food? Because I still needed to eat! I wasn’t thinking much about grocery shopping or cooking so having friends drop off a pizza (or get them a gift card for take-out) was SO appreciated.
    1. Reading material- in the first few days I wanted things that would take my mind off of what was happening- magazines, novels. But eventually, I sought out literature on pregnancy loss. The hospital wouldn’t let us leave without a copy of Miscarriage: A Book for Parents by Joy Johnson. My insurance company sent me After Miscarriage: Medical Facts and Emotional Support for Pregnancy Loss by Krissi Danielson. This is where I’m sure personal preference is HUGE. I found the later of the two to be much more helpful than the former. I’m sure others would think differently. I recently received Loved Baby: 31 Devotions for Helping You Grieve and Cherish Your Baby After Pregnancy Loss. I’m still reading it, but am already impressed by the honest, thoughtful writing of Sarah Philpott. Of the three books I mention here, this one presents, I would say, as the most “gifty” in nature. (Pun intended!) If you want to make it super gifty, it is available with a bracelet at http://allamericanmom.net/product/loved-baby-bundle-loved-bracelet-devotional-book/ As the name implies, Loved Baby brings with it a Christian viewpoint which can certainly be comforting at a tough time, just make sure you know that your recipient would agree!

On that note, I am honored to have received a copy of Loved Baby to give to one of my readers. I hope it will bring someone the comfort the crave. To enter to win, please comment below with your name (stage names accepted). Giveaway will close Friday at 6pm and the winner will be posted in the comments. Please check back to see if you’ve won!

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READ THIS BOOK: What Made Maddy Run

This book is heavy. Literally and figuratively. I couldn’t put it down. Literally. I carried it in my pack while hiking for three days. Which is how I know it is literally heavy.

Read this book if you were an athlete, are an athlete or like to watch athletes. Read it if you are a young person, work with young people, know a young person or were a young person. (Did I cover all my bases yet?) Read it if you’ve ever battled with the decision to stop doing something that no longer brings you joy but is ingrained in who you are. Read it if you believe in the dignity of all human beings and want to better understand those who face mental illness; may the sharing of Maddy’s struggle help someone else’s story have a different ending. READ THIS BOOK.

Like the author, Kate Fagan (of ESPN), and its subject Maddy Holleran, I was once a Division 1 college athlete. Some of you know that I failed a class in college. Most people I’ve told this to have forgotten this fact and are surprised when I re-tell it, since I graduated college on time, received awards for academic achievement later in school, and overall have had few achievement-related setbacks.

Like Fagan and Holleran, I found college athletics weren’t quite what I’d had in mind. For me, this happened during my sophomore year when, at the coach’s urging, I stopped competitive distance running (including Cross-Country) to focus on high jumping. In What Made Maddy Run, Fagan delves into the journey leading up to Holleran’s freshmen year of college. Holleran was an avid soccer player who ran track in the spring to stay in shape. With her incredible journalistic and storytelling style, Fagan goes into great detail describing the passion Holleran had for soccer, including quotes from some of her elementary school coaches.

I, likewise, had a passion for Cross-Country. Holleran gave up soccer to run year round. I gave up Cross-Country to train for jumping year-round. I was miserable. Holleran was miserable. Holleran didn’t click with the assistant coach she trained under; she’d loved the head coach who’d recruited her. Similarly, I didn’t click with the assistant coach I trained under when I switched from distance running to high jumping. In fact, I felt singled out by him at times. I found myself wondering if it was all in my head that I couldn’t take his criticism or if I was indeed being criticized more than my teammates.

Holleran tried to quit. Her coach talked her out of it. Fagan sorted out her mixed feelings through counseling and stayed on the team. She writes, “I was terrified of the word “quit.” Within sports, that word is dirty and barely distinguishable from “I can’t.” I had come to view quitting as synonymous with laziness, weakness, selfishness….Could I ever stop?….What was the difference between quitting and stopping, or quitting and retiring, or quitting and making the conscious decision that continuing something was  genuinely unhealthy?”

I get it. I spent enough moments agonizing over this to fail a class that semester. Fagan asks, “How much of our happiness is fueled by society’s validation of our choices?”

This is where my story splits from Maddy’s. I quit the track team. Fortunately, it was my sophomore, not my freshman year when I quit so I already had a close relationship with an amazing roommate and understanding friends on campus. I was excited to have more time to spend on other interests like hiking and skiing without fear of getting injured before a meet. True, I grieved the loss of my identity as a student athlete. I missed the routine the workouts provided; the sense of belonging to a team. I still struggle at times to “set the bar low,” as Facebook reminded me just yesterday that I’d posted Nnenna Lynch’s article by that title on running post- competitive years. As I’m writing this, Runner’s World emails me an article “I never expected quitting competitive running would be so hard” by Micaela Young, Clearly, I’m not alone in having grappled with this. Yet, leaving the team when I did was one hundred percent the right decision for me.

My true validation for quitting the team came a couple of years later, when I crossed paths with a former teammate. I didn’t remember her, but she remembered me. “Coach was always so hard on you, I never understood why he singled you out.”

I no longer had to wonder if it’d all been in my head. I was as tough as my teammates, I was just being subjected to something harsher than they were. If I had’t been told this I believe to this day I’d still wonder if I’d all been in my head; if I quit because I wasn’t tough enough. What others think sure does carry a lot of weight.

After this conversation, I pondered if I would’ve stayed on the team at the time if someone had stood up to my coach for me. Or even if someone had just said to me in passing that they noticed his actions; I might’ve kept training knowing that it wasn’t all in my head. If you see something; say something. The sooner, the better.

I wish there were something I could say to Maddy Holleran. That I could validate her pain. That I could tell her it gets better. That you can quit track and be ok. That you can quit track, fail a class and be ok. Or not ok. That it’s ok to not be ok. That it won’t be like this forever.

Fagan discusses the fact that it is never one thing that pushes a mental illness over the edge. There are parts of Holleran’s story that I can’t relate to, and certainly not on the level that she experienced it.

And precisely because our stories are each so unique, this book is so valuable. Fagan’s extensive research into Holleran’s background is interwoven with facts about mental health on college campuses and the story’s of others, including herself. Fagan is an incredible journalist and the importance of telling this story is not lost on her. I hope the importance of reading this book will not be lost on you, and that it may inspire you to new level of empathy.

READ THIS BOOK.

One of those times NPR makes you feel human

I’ve been feeling off lately and scrounging the internet for something- someone I could relate to. I’ve found some relevance in articles and incredibly personal accounts of pregnancy loss, infertility, grief, and/or and anxiety. But it wasn’t until listening to this NPR podcast: The Scarcity Trap, Why We Keep Digging When We’re Stuck in Hole, that I found an unlikely solidarity with the experience of sugar cane farmers in India.

These farmers, in a study by Eldar Shafir and Sendhil Mullainathan, behaved differently right after harvest when they were relatively wealthy. Compared to when faced with scarcity later on, the wealthy farmers had better impulse control, planned longer term, and even fared better on IQ tests. “To be clear, it’s not that poor people focus on immediate needs because that’s all they want to think about. It’s all they can think about,”  states Shankar Vedantam in respect to these farmers and others facing scarcity.

I’ve already tried to minimize my own feelings of sadness and frustration over not being pregnant by dismissing it as a “first world problem.” Presumably, I am financially distinct from these farmers in that I can afford to raise a hypothetical kid and pay my bills all year- not just after the harvest. I have wonderful health insurance that covers prenatal care (thank you Affordable Care Act). I have a job- finally- that offers some maternity leave and paid time off.

How on earth, then, can I compare my lack of having child with someone else’s lack of financial resources?

I can relate to their desperateness.

“When you feel that something important is missing in your life, your brain starts to focus on that missing thing. When you’re really desperate for something, you focus on it so obsessively there’s no room for anything else, ” Vedantam continues. The episode also provides non-monetary examples of scarcity such as being lonely or short on time. So the mental challenge experienced by these farmers as their earnings run out can happen to us any time there is something missing in our lives. Our thoughts focus on only one thing.

When we first started trying to conceive, I thought of lots of other things- skiing, rock climbing, wilderness canoe trips, beer- on a regular basis. I had heard of woman caught up solely in their desire to become pregnant and assumed that would never happen to me. Those woman, I reasoned, are more high strung than me. I, on the other hand, was carefree and open to whatever happened, baby or not.

Slowly that shifted. Maybe it was because of the intense joy I felt upon getting pregnant and the subsequent disappointment of miscarriage. Maybe it was because I got caught up in stories of rainbow babies conceived within a month or two of a loss and grieved when that wasn’t me. Maybe I’m a highly sensitive, emotional mess and my original carefreeness was just a denial of my true self.

Or maybe, as Hidden Brain points out, it’s because of the scarcity trap. Anyone in my situation would feel like I do, just like anyone facing poverty does. “What if it’s not that poor people are somehow deficient, but that poverty makes everyone less capable? That it’s….you and I, tomorrow, were we to become poor, would all of a sudden have the same effect, that poverty is in some sense changing our minds,”Mullainathan explains.

With this reasoning, anyone facing obstacles in growing a family would naturally become fixated on having a child. The only thing that had previously set me apart from those woman and their fixation on pregnancy was our situation. It wasn’t that my carefree attitude was better than theirs, I just hadn’t yet faced attitude-adjusting scarcity. I’m in their shoes now, and lately I’ve been grappling with why on earth this is so hard for me; why can’t I go back to being carefree.

I recently wrote a piece, full of hyperbole, or as my husband put it “click-baity,” about my initial thoughts versus my current thoughts on trying to conceive. It is titled “Please Don’t Judge How Desperate I am to be Pregnant,” and to be perfectly honest, the person I feel most judged by is myself (or at least my previous self). Upon publication, an editor assigned it the subtitle “I don’t need to keep hearing about overpopulation either.” I have plenty of guilt over the environmental consequences of procreation, however, contrary to that subtitle, those thoughts are all internally generated (influenced by four years of undergrad in a natural resources school). Despite the subtitle, no one has been callous enough to say such a thing to me, though I suppose it isn’t out of the question.

“Just stop worrying and you’ll get pregnant” is the classic way to piss off someone in my situation, yet many well meaning folks pass on this “wisdom.” A year or so ago, I may have even said it myself. Thanks to Hidden Brain for enlightening me on why that “advice” is so damn hard to act on when you’re in the scarcity trap. I highly recommend giving this podcast a listen or a read so you can better understand your friends who are in a tunnel- whether it’s money, companionship, time, babies, or world peace that they are finding in seriously short supply. Or perhaps it will help you better understand yourself, as it did for me.

This post was originally published at <http://offbeathome.com/obsession-with-become-a-parent/&gt;. The end of the aforementioned podcast does give some suggestions for how to get oneself out of a so called scarcity trap. I found it incredible how for me just listening to this podcast and being able to acknowledge my situation proved to be a light in this tunnel. I had to share this in hopes that others would find it just as helpful!

Menstruating in the Mountains

I recently submitted this letter to Outside Magazine in response to an article I saw come across my Facebook newsfeed several times. I wanted to share it with you here, too!

Dear Editor,

While I can appreciate the sentiment of Heather Hansman’s praise of IUDs in the backcountry. (“The IUD is the Most Important, Underrated Piece of Outdoor Gear I own”), I’d like to argue that talking about backcountry bleeding need not be as shameful as she suggests. If you think that talking about periods can’t be funny and easy, you’ve never met my former boss, Doris Kolodji. When I was an anxious 16 year old headed for a ten day Girl Scout canoe trip, Doris stood in front of our group and boldly discussed minimal impact menstruation. “You might be nervous about it now, but by the end of the trip, you’ll be so close with everyone you’ll be shouting from across the campsite ‘open up the trash! Incoming!’ and chucking your pads from the latrine trail.” True, I’ve never quite witnessed that scene, but I can attest that a real openness about all things menstruation that can develop if you foster it.

In Hansman’s piece, she mentions leading teenagers on trips and having girls pull her aside to hesitantly ask what to do if their period makes a visit in the woods. I urge anyone leading others in the backcountry to bring up the matter well before putting anyone in the awkward position of having to ask. I followed in Doris’s footsteps on this when I returned to work fore her as a canoe guide after that formative first wilderness trip. My favorite way to broach the subject these days? Bring out a variety of rolls of colorful novelty printed duct tape and Ziplocs to make the sort of trash bag Hansman describes- but way more fun. My husband can attest that I use every camping trip as an excuse to buy a new print of duct tape.

Lots of us menstruate, for lots of reason- we have an IUD but are the 50% who get our period (a statistic Hansman notes); we are using another contraceptive because we like the monthly reassurance that we aren’t pregnant (or for other reasons); we don’t need a contraceptive because we aren’t heterosexually active or we are and would like to conceive. As someone who menstruates, a piece of outdoor gear that I consider important and underrated – nitrile medical gloves like you find in your first aid kit. I wear the gloves while taking care of this business, then inside out them around my trash, tie it off and stick it in my festive Ziploc. This way I know I won’t touch anything messy next time I open my baggie nor do I worry about meticulous hand washing (especially important when water supplies are scarce or frozen).

Menstruation and contraceptives are two topics we should all be more comfortable talking about, both in the backcountry and the frontcountry. I applaud Hansman for speaking to the later, and I hope that this letter can inspire more conversation on the former.

Sincerely,

Atiokokan Kae

 

Phone Coozie

If you’re a man, you don’t have the luxury of storing your phone in your bra to keep it warm. Or maybe it’s hard to get to your bra under all those layers. Or maybe your iPhone 7+ just doesn’t fit in you B cups like your old flip phone used to….enter….the phone coozie.

phone coozie front

Solving your dead battery from the cold problems since 2017. I had just finished the rough draft of this project when I saw a similar product being sold in a store. I was told it was designed by a ski patroler at the same mountain I work at. I too, had thought it might be a marketable idea. But, for now I’m going to just put it out there for you to steal my idea.

phone coozie back

My product does have some features the retail one I saw did not. It has a hole for the camera and the screen is visible while in the coozie. The downside to this, of course is that it is not as well insulated as if the screen was covered. So, if it’s a super cold day….enter the handwarmer pocket on the back which should more than make up for it.

Unfortunately, I don’t have a pattern to share, size will vary by phone. The fleece is double thick all the way around. Most of it was trial and error.

 

 

To My Single Friends on Valentine’s Day

I love you. I wish I could look you in they eyes and tell you, without a doubt, that someday the void you feel today will be filled in exactly the way you want it to be. That if you just stop looking for a partner, one will find you. Bliss will be forever yours. I know we both wish the future was as predictable and happy-ending filled as a children’s movie.

I think perhaps this May, on Mother’s day, I will feel the same way you do today. Last Mother’s day I was blissfully looking forward to becoming a mother; a month later I lost that pregnancy. There were those who looked me in the eye shortly after and told me that I would someday become a mom; that they themselves carried a healthy child after they had a miscarriage. It came from the most generous, loving place in their heart. And it sounded so familiar, so much like what I’d heard from coupled friends when I was single.

I’ve come to realize that uncertainty is one of the hardest, cruelest parts of life. I’m sorry I can’t offer you the reassurance you deserve. I’m sorry that life isn’t all roses and chocolates and I know those aren’t even what you want right now. You know as well as I do that if that is what you longed for, you’d buy them for yourself. (And you’d buy them tomorrow, when they go on clearance :))

My husband gave me a valentines day gift once, the first year we dated. A pair of [real nice technical ski] gloves. You know how little kids are with gloves? I know, I teach skiing to three year-olds. They lose them all the time. Let’s just say I’m like a little kid when it comes to gloves and I haven’t gotten a Valentine’s day present since.

I’m totally okay with that. And I’m trying to be okay with the fact that I’m not a mom right now. In the months that have passed since last spring I’ve sat in the ER with a terrified seven year old at ten o’clock at night; I’ve let a tired, tearful, ski boot wearing three year old plop on my lap for a story; I’ve held my weeks -old niece who doesn’t know she should’ve had a cousin born the same week.

The classic definition of both Valentines day and Mothers day is to celebrate the love found in this very specific relationship between either, depending on the holiday, romantic partners or mother and child. And then of course, we must buy stuff to symbolize that love. Rather than guarantee that either of us will end up celebrating these holidays as they are intended to be celebrated, I’m going to offer this.

I’m going to offer love. There is enough to go around- don’t let anyone else tell you there’s not. You are loved by and love many. Perhaps you and I are just wiser than those who try to contain their love to one relationship or another according to the holiday schedule. Perhaps that’s why I mentioned some of the children that I’ve “mothered” without myself being a mother. I know there are many who’ve received your love without being your lover. I consider myself one of them.

I absolutely, positively, without a doubt a hope that someday the void you feel today will be filled in exactly the way you want it to be. But I can’t and won’t insist that will happen. For now, I will tell you I hear you and I’m sorry about that void. Let me know what you need*.

(*Unless it’s a pair of gloves and you’re anything like me.)

Unexpected Heartache

I recall a particularly dark, lonely, night, driving to grocery shop by way of a back road that bypassed the streetlights and North Conway’s tourist traffic. I was still crushed from breaking up with my first boyfriend a few months ago. I’d just moved two and half hours from the suburban town that had finally started to feel like my first post-college home to accept my “dream job.” I’d convinced myself the move was a risk worth taking, though it barley seemed like a risk at the time. This job was “the one;” I’d build a new life around it.

Listening to the radio, the word “God” jolted me to check the dial and see if I’d accidentally tuned into a Christian station. Nope, it was still public radio. I’m not sure where God fit into the conversation, but it made me focus as the commentator was discussing how applying for jobs is a lot like dating. A light bulb went off in my head- of course it is.

The voice went on about how we reinvent ourselves after a breakup and we need to do the same thing during a job hunt. I had just purchased a new snowboard to leave behind all the memories of skiing with my ex, so I could relate. I had no way of knowing this plan would fail and I’d marry a skier.

I arrive at the grocery store that night and walk around in a daze until a small child runs up and hugs me on the legs. “That’s Miss Kae,” she tells her mom. I still chuckle as I look back on this moment because I had no idea who she was.

For this new job, I traveled around to different schools doing outreach work and clearly leaving a decent mark on some of the students. I loved the kids, even if there were too many to learn their names, I loved the teachers, and I loved the value of the work I did.

But something was missing here, and I eventually fell out of love with what should have been my dream job. I did not have the stamina or perhaps the desire to work the 50 or 60 hour weeks it endlessly required. My supervisors poured their heart and souls into the organization. Since they put in these hours so effortlessly, it was difficult to explain why I wasn’t inclined do the same.

My heart broke as I realized this wasn’t the job I thought it was- the job I’d stay at until I retired, or at least until the retirement benefits began to accumulate. I was surprised to be brokenhearted over a job.  It made me think back to that conversation on NPR- if looking for a job is like looking for a romantic partner, then a break up with either is painful.

It dawned on me that what I grieved was not the job I’d had, but what I thought the future at this job would’ve held. The potential, the possibility.

Last spring, I reconnected with a friend from my time there who told me that the organization’s director had terminal cancer. I soon found myself standing among hundreds of greeting cards thinking that Hallmark had never considered the possibility that through word of mouth I would hear that my ex-boss at a job I didn’t really like was terminally ill and I’d like to send him a note. C’mon, Hallmark, doesn’t this happen to everyone?

Two weeks ago, I learned he had passed away. My heart broke again. This man’s passion was his work. He touched so many lives in a community big enough to not to know everyone’s name; but small enough to see everyone at the grocery store. He touched my life in ways I can’t articulate but still deeply value.

I haven’t sent his wife a sympathy card yet. I plan to, but I am sure that Hallmark has no clue how I feel right now. I’m not really sure how I do, either. But I’m trying to embrace the reality that heartaches, like hugs in the grocery store, aren’t always predictable, or even from an identifiable source.